Not completely sure if this could be triggering, but just a pre-warning.
I’ll be honest, I used to be one of those people who saw loads of people write about depression and anxiety and think “ugh attention seekers”. Or I’d think “how could you let yourself get that way?”.
I used to have such a insanely happy life. I had a lovely group of friends, a good family and a job full of (mostly) caring people. Its crazy how things can change so much in the space of a year… so much has happened, and I have been so strong about it. I have done well at keeping myself distracted over everything that has happened over the past year.
But its taken a lot out of me to admit to myself that I think I’m suffering with both anxiety and depression. This is obviously a self diagnostician – I’ve been trying to push the idea of it away for so long and told myself I’d get out of this ‘silly rut’. But I am finally come to terms with it, I think.
I don’t even know how to explain how I feel. Its so hard to explain whats going on in head when you don’t even understand it yourself. And its not that I am ‘depressed’ everyday, sometimes I have some great days when I feel on top of the world.. but other days I can’t help but just feel… worthless. And this confuses me… why is everything is so clouded? Why doesn’t everything just make sense?
Why do I feel worthless?
I’ve had someone say to me the other day “you have so many people texting you? I’m lucky if I get one a day.“… but yet I feel lonely. I had someone else say to me the other day “you’re life isn’t so bad, stop being in a grump and move on with it“, and this was from someone I knew very well who used to suffer from depression. And I thought he would understand more than anyone how I’m feeling?
I just don’t know how to explain it. But I just wanted to write down my feelings and my thoughts. I’m hoping it can get better now that I think I have come to terms with it.
I do want to talk to a GP about it, but how do you go about telling them? I’m so good [like I should be an actress or something] at being this ‘total upbeat, lighthearted, smiling girl’. I’m so good at pretending that I’m ok. But I don’t know, I feel worried that they “wont believe me” and I’ll have made a fool out of myself.
So for now, I’m going to try and work on this by myself. I’m going to try and work on bettering myself. Get myself exercising, eating healthy and concentrate on what I need to do to. I’ll have my up days and my down days and I’ll learn to deal with them as they come.